I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
