If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
