I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
