...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
