It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
