I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
