I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
