Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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