I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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