I am spending my child support on dildos
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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