She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
