Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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