Pants 0. Shit 1.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize