remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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