Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
