I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
