she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I need to calm my uterus...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
