Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
