Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
