Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
