Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
