Screwed.edu
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
