i think i have two assholes
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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