I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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