Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
