Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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