Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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