you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
