the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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