Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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