Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
