Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
