Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
