My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
third nipple confirmed
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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