the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
