this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
