Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
