my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
