using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
