I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize