singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
