i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
