went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
