You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
