Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
