Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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