I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
