At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
