She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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