Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
