I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize