I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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