i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
