2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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