Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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