Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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