Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
