you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
