i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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