Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
