it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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