You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
