I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
