I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
