areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
