somebody snuck up and got me drunk
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
