im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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